“Casually ISO: first horse for teenage boy to LEASE (that means we’re not interested in buying right this very second).
“MUST (that means not optional):
“Have 4 legs that consistently work, even if one/all require(s) occasional maintenance. Legs ugly as sin but still work? Sounds great.
“Not have potential. I don’t want potential. I want “been there, done that, maxed out, have the t shirt.”
“Be at least 15.1 hands. That’s 61 inches. At the withers. Determined by an object that has increments for inches.
“Ride English and jump up to 2’6.” Could be a great English horse and has potential to be a 1* horse? Nope. See above about “potential.” I don’t care if the horse has the movement of an ostrich and is barely making it over Beginner Novice. That sounds like a winner to me.
“Maintain its sanity on both trail rides and at schooling show venues. If it needs a downer to leave the property, I’m not about that life.
“Not have one foot in the grave. Let’s be honest, teenage boys want to go fast, so a horse that will not trot unless beaten within an inch of his life is not going to work.
“Not be a spiteful shit who demands perfection. This horse needs to have a PHD in staying between the ground and a beginner rider’s bum. Needs to appreciate comedy – would prefer one who does stand up (not to be confused with rearing) on the weekend.
“Things that don’t matter:
“Breed. We don’t discriminate (unless it’s gaited – nothing gaited).
“Color. All horse lives matter.
“Sex. Mare. Gelding. Trans. Whatevs.
“Age. We already have the equine cast of Grumpy Old Men at our place, and I hear there is another open role. I don’t like baby humans and I also don’t like baby horse (brains).
“Here’s what you should know: Mom is a neurotic helicopter horse mom, so top notch treatment is guaranteed. Horse would live at home (still trying to convince my husband to let me bring them in the house). You would have pretty much daily updates via assorted forms of communication — I annoy myself with so many updates.
“Seriously though, we’re not interested in your 6yo, 1.5m horse that you want to lease out for $10k a year. I wish…but not right now. I need school-master, broke to death, has maintenance issues, ugly as sin, out of shape, you really don’t care about money but want him to have a great home. Oh, and not across the continental US from GA because I only do a 6 hour radius due to sweet tea.”
Here’s hoping they find their perfect lease — that will be one lucky horse!