A #TBT shared by our sister site, Horse Nation, that was written with Rio 2016 in mind, but totally applies to this year’s World Equestrian Games! We’re all familiar with eventing, dressage and show jumping. Turns out, those three were the best choices from a much longer list of equestrian activities — a rough draft, if you will.
We’re willing to bet that if any of these had been included for Rio 2016, we’d be in prime position for a place on the podium ourselves. For some reason the IOC and FEI just didn’t like any of our ideas.
Synchronized horse rolling: You have a minute or two to figure out how to un-cast your cast horse in three attempts.
Grand Prix truck changing: The event where you have to change out from your 9 to 5 day job clothes into your barn clothes, without anyone seeing you in your underwear or accidentally laying on the horn.
Cross-country toe smashing: The event where numerous horses step on your feet. The first one with a broken toe is disqualified
Freestyle bean cleaning: Whoever cleans out the most beans wins! (So the mares don’t feel left out, we also have an arm up the hoo-hoo contest. Whoever doesn’t get his/her teeth kicked out, wins!)
Marathon colic walking: Whoever can stay up all night without falling asleep on their feet wins. May last for several days.
The tall mount: The horses get taller and taller, and the stirrups get shorter and shorter.
Downhill squatting with your spurs on: Who can pop a squat with their spurs on and manage not to get a drop on their pants wins! Additional division for those trying to hold a horse who is lunging in circles around them.
Individual plastic bag obstacle course: Hang on tight.
Freestyle no-hands jumping: Sans horse. Commonly called “equine-assisted gravity check.”
Marathon shoeing the yearlings: For the truly tough.
Grand Prix deworming: Specifically, the horse that hates wormer and is also 18 hands tall.
200m trailer loading: Load the most number of ornery horses in the fastest amount of time. No stock trailers are allowed — only small, straight load trailers with a dark interior.